NewsBiscuit

British rioters have hit out at what they see as an unwelcome transatlantic influence on the traditional English way of looting and causing affray. ‘It’s another deplorable Americanisation of our traditional British way of doing stuff – especially free stuff,’ says fourteen-year-old Tottenham rioter Zac (two Sony flat screens and a bag of trainers). ‘Innit.’

And Zac’s fellow rioter Jed,12, (two laptops and a crate of Stella), agreed. ’This American super cop Bill Bratton knows nothing about our way of shopping,’ he said. ‘American cops just don’t know how to behave. You’d think a Tory government would have more respect for the traditional British Bobby. I’m well disgusted.’

But the Prime Minister defended the decision to take advice from Mr Bratton. ’He’s a sort of American Dixon of Dock Green,’  he said. ”Except he uses CS gas, water cannon and rocket launchers against riots and gangs. I think they may well approve of that in Tunbridge Wells.’

Meanwhile David Cameron has ordered 16000 police onto the streets outside secondary schools in readiness for Thursday’s A Level results. ‘Those teenage girls contemplating uncontrolled histrionics when they receive their A Level results, should think again,’ the Prime Minister said after chairing a meeting of COBRA. ‘Police will be ready to deal robustly with excessive screaming or hugging – it’s self- dramatisation, pure and simple and will not be tolerated.’

A police spokesman said they were aware of the threat from A Level ‘rioters’ and would use water cannon if necessary. ’The media should not encourage displays of phantom orgasms,’ the spokesman added. Home Secretary Theresa May said she found the prospect of teenage girls being dealt with by the authorities ‘oddly exciting.’  ’I almost wet myself at the thought of it,’ she told the COBRA meeting.

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Posted: Aug 15th, 2011 by roybland